The Real Side of Me

There has to be more to my story…

I find myself evolving and struggling with this identity, which for so long I’ve hidden and not taken seriously. Where would I be now if women and men all wore the same clothes? Would I still have these femme desires? For me, the answer is “yes” - sadly, as cliche as it sounds, I was tragically born into the wrong body. Being female would align more with my place in the world and how I interact with people. I’ve always felt “fake” as a male and being a man to me is a job I no longer have the energy or patience to invest in. When I look in the mirror i am never satisfied with what I see… yea I am skinny and reasonably fit, but I still hate my flat chest and narrow hips. I hate all that testosterone did to me in puberty and I just want to start over. Don’t get me wrong, i am very thankful for my health, a full head of hair, etc… it’s just that I know now, very painfully and regrettably, I am not making the most of it.

This is not a simple fetish.

Just as much as I want to dress as a woman, and act like one… I really truly want even more to be all woman when I am totally naked - spiritually, physically and emotionally. When I only dress as Aimee, I feel a freedom I cannot begin to express with a smile that won’t go away, however, I know I will eventually have to take my clothes off. I know that when I eventually take my bra off, I will see my bare male chests and useless nipples. When I slip my panties off, I’ll be back to “normal” with a ugly penis and narrow hips once more. Emotionally, I’ll need to shutdown again and not ever act too happy or overly express my love for people like I want to, I can’t cry at the end of a love story, I can’t hug and be nurturing… and I especially can’t express or share my tenderness or vulnerabilities. I have to snap back into being a “man” and feeling the misery of living the lie I show the world every day. I’ll go back to waiting to die when Aimee’s stuff is once again hidden from plain sight.

I look back on my life and realize had I been female the whole time that my life would have made much more sense. Cultural expectations bent me in so many ways and have basically broke me in terms of all that makes me human. Not only was I crossdressing at a very early age I was also a very sensitive and caring child that had no outlet for my emotions. I never was competitive and never fit in with “the guys”, and in fact, all my best friends were girls and I cherished their friendship with a deep connection. Unfortunately, this became complicated when they wanted more than friendship… and I couldn’t be a good boyfriend to them in other ways. I never felt on the right side of any sexual encounter with a female.

While I never was really attracted to males (as a “male”), I never really wanted to have sex with females, despite my natural affinity for girls. I’ve lost many relationships over it and I’ve always had erection problems because of this. Understandably, they all thought I was gay - and I thought I agreed with them.

As an adult, it’s still the same… but now with the miracle of viagra I can play the part of a “studly” husband and finally please a woman. Curious what would happen if she knew that the only way I can orgasm is by fantasizing about being on the receiving end of what I’m giving (in just my bridal stockings) while losing my virginity on my wedding night to my husband. With that being said, yes… as “Aimee” I am very attracted to males so I guess being “straight” is a portable construct when I change my gender!

It’s not that I am a coward or reject the burden of difficult decisions or responsibility, in fact I’m very much a leader in all aspects of my work and personal life and actually possess positive attributes which would be seen equally favorable if I were a woman this whole time. In fact, “gender” to me is really the horrible lie, and my life so far as a male as been a tragic lie.

I deserve to be a happy and fulfilled human, and as in my dreams, I want to see Aimee looking back at me in the mirror through my own eyes. In the “perfect” parallel universe - I’m the same age as I am now… but have been a female my entire life. While life has had its challenges and heartbreak, I have been fully free to express my pain and joy to the world… and it shows in my peaceful and confident disposition (as opposed to the silent anxiety-ridden hell I’ve lived in as a male).

I want to go home from work and step into a different life today…. walk through the door and immediately step out of my high heels into life I should really be living - rich with all the experiences of a woman.

Home alone for a brief moment, I stare at my beautiful self in the mirror, my high heels that were once hurting my feet.. drop to the floor by my bare feet in the amazing place I’ve found myself in. I see everything in perfect detail… starting with lipstick smiles, long dark hair resting on my shoulders with beautiful earrings (which were a gift from my husband) and the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. On my perfectly manicured hand I see my wedding ring sparking in the afternoon sunlight filtering through the blinds as I feel my beautiful curves through my bodycon wrap dress. In this world, like the last, I’ve taken good care of myself… I stay in shape out of respect for not only me but my partner (now husband) as well.

My dress falls to the floor revealing my glowing estrogen rich smooth skin, cute pot belly with curvy hips and beautiful supple D-cup breast. I’m so happy… and with a sigh of relief I begin to shed tears of joy and laughter.

I then get a text from my husband letting me know that our boys will be staying the night at their grandparents house… followed by a winky kissy face 😘… the rush of being with him is overwhelming. I know my place is now as his wife (I love how that sounds!) completely naked and in bed waiting for my man.

Unsnapping my bra now exposes my soft breast and puffy pink nipples, slipping off my panties over my smooth thighs and cute little toes shows my perfect Brazilian wax, beautiful labia, perfectly proportioned and wide (a little chubby). Being naked never looked so good or reeled so perfect.

I feel myself getting wet with sexual excitement, but I feel mostly the beautiful freedom of being all female and look forward to a life of sweet submission to my man, as his wife. I think I’ll start by waiting in bed for him, on my side and totally nude with the exception of my beautiful smile from the possibly of giving him another son tonight. I really hope I’m ovulating right now! Don’t even get me started on my dreams of getting pregnant and being a mommy again!